Four Strategies to Conduct Difficult Conversations Respectfully

In your leadership role, you may be familiar with this scenario:

An employee on your team is not meeting performance expectations.  You've had a few casual conversations to help the employee improve, yet the problems persist. Customers are feeling the negative impact.  It is time to formally engage with the employee and discuss the issues.  Suddenly, there is a pit in your stomach as you consider the discomfort of the meeting.  You find yourself asking:

How will the employee receive the news? How will you confidently deliver this feedback? How might this impact your relationship with the employee?

Could you wait a few more weeks or months to see if things improve on their own?  (This is a popular question, and the answer is a resounding no.)

Clear feedback communicated with kindness is the best thing you can give an employee to improve.  Doing so respectfully ensures that both you and the employee acknowledge the issue and build a plan to move forward together.  Think about the following as you prepare for a difficult conversation:

Focus on the employee.  This is not about you.

I know this is tough, and that you'll likely lose sleep the night before the conversation.  It is about your ability to communicate effectively and give the employee the opportunity to learn and grow.  As you make your notes and run through the conversation in your head, be sure that you communicate feedback with examples. 

Keep it between you, your leader, HR and the employee.

Sharing information about the employee's performance with colleagues or direct reports creates a toxic environment. Trust is critical to this conversation.  Get with HR in advance for guidance and support to deliver the message, and let the employee know HR is available as a resource for them during the meeting.  Your own leader is an advocate and resource as you prepare to deliver the message.

Schedule two conversations: one to deliver the feedback, and another to talk about how you will move forward. 

The first conversation involves sharing the feedback and allowing the employee to process the emotion of it.  You preserve the employee's dignity by asking them to take time between the meetings to shift from issue to solution.  The second conversation involves the employee identifying ways she or he can move forward.  The employee should own this meeting, coming to you with specific steps to improve.

Meet in a place where you can have a private conversation. 

Be mindful of where you are sharing this feedback. There is nothing worse than delivering difficult news while colleagues walk by and wave through the glass.  Find a place that is safe for the employee to digest the information and the emotion that will accompany it.  If you need to deliver the feedback remotely, confirm both you and the employee can meet in a distraction-free location.

Your role moving forward is to hold the employee accountable to make progress.  Add an agenda item to your 1:1 meetings to discuss the progress made or redirect behaviors when issues pop up.  While it may be difficult at first, the knowledge and support you provide gives the employee the opportunity to make positive, lasting changes. 

Dr. Katie Stone is the founder of Together Evolving.  Email Katie at katie.stone@togetherevolving.com to learn more about the transformational impact coaching can have on you and your leadership.